Student Confidential

Student Confidential is the story of a new high school guidance counselor, and how he changes the lives of four troubled students.... and how they change his. That's right, this is another one of my so-bad-it's-good movie reviews.

Richard Horian pulls triple duty as writer/director/star of this. He plays the counselor, a bearded man who quit his high paying corporate job because he just wants to help. He is, on the surface, composed and cool, has the answer to everything. But deep down, he's troubled, and unable to show it. We see it expressed in an endless series of twitches and some of the greatest eyebrow acting I've ever seen.

Also featured are Marlon Jackson, Michael's less-famous little brother, and Eric Douglas, Michael's less-famous little brother. Also some girls who were presumably cast for their willingness to remove all of their clothing. They might have older brothers named Michael too. In fact, let's say they do.

The first thing the counselor guy does upon starting his job is having the principal round up the four most troubled kids in the school. The first is a shy blonde girl with super long hair brushed over half of her face. See, she was in a car accident and her face was scarred by the glass in the windshield. She thinks she's a freak and needs some confidence in herself. Solution: Excuse her from school, and make an appointment for the most expensive hairdresser in the world to style her hair. That will make her forget all about her disfigurement! When she comes to school the next day, she is brimming with confidence, with the exact same haircut, just poofed out a little bit and crimped in the back.

These are the wonderful solutions this guy has to offer.

Meanwhile, the counselor guy is having trouble at home. His wife clearly hates him for no reason. At one point, he's reading his files (holding them up in front of his face). His wife removes all of her clothes and lays there like she's alone. He lustily and hilariously peeks around his files, and she freaks out at him like she didn't realize he was sitting five feet away from her the whole time. Seriously, watching him peek around his files makes this whole movie worth watching.

Student Confidential was produced by Troma, the exploitation movie company behind the Toxic Avenger series and Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD. This isn't really like those movies, besides the sub-porn production values, and the requisite full frontal nudity. Don't worry ladies, it's not just the women in this one! But it isn't really like the usual Troma fare. There's no gore in it at all.

In fact, it's much more like that paragon of all bad movies, the much beloved The Room. I can honestly say that I have seen The Room more times than I've seen any GOOD movies in my adult life. Student Confidential isn't as funny, but there are certain similarities. Writer/Director/Star/Narcissist Richard Horian steals the show with his bizarre, oblivious performance, though not near so outlandish as Tommy Wiseau.

Also, you get the real sense that this was his passion project. It's very dear to him, and he had something to say with it. All the best bad movies are done with utter sincerity. There is also the way Horian's character is portrayed as this super-being, a great man, ultimately victimised. Nothing is ever his fault, because he is so honorable that he can do no wrong. Johnny, the hero of The Room is much the same way.

No grade for this one, but you get a special prize if you can make it all the way to the end. That prize is, of course, the ending itself, which I'm not going to spoil. Student Confidential would make a great lead-in feature to The Room, but do not watch it last, or you will be all laughed out.